This one time on a study tour of India I was overwhelmed

By virtue of me being a Fellow of the Royal Society of the Arts (RSA) I was afforded an opportunity in late 2016 to be a delegate in the Emerging Leaders Dialogue Asia (ELDA) in Malaysia. I was selected, got my immunisations, and took flight all within a few weeks of lodging my application. I was one of a hundred or so delegates from across Commonwealth countries to participate.

I thought I was an ’emerging leader’. I was wrong. I’m a leader in retreat. I feel burned out, fucked over, and desperately in need of new direction. I thought applying to ELDA was a long shot and I would not hear back. When selected, the feeling of ‘dread’ flooded my body. With some support from my partner and a counsellor I set about thinking this might be the experience that gives me a career pivot. When I heard that I was on the only group to tour India, I began to panic again: what the fuck was I going to do in India? I immediately drafted an apology email to withdraw from the entire experience. I didn’t send it. Rather, I paused and looked at the possibility of going outside my comfort zone. I challenged myself to ‘lean in’. What i realise now is that I was already hollowed out. A defeated leader in retreat. A leader so unsure of my own abilities, I had lost the capacity to speak, to work in a team, to connect, to articulate, to plan, to use humour, to cope. This is my inner monologue from those 11 days in October 2016.

*Following my return to Tasmania I spoke with my counsellor who assisted me to reframe my thinking on the value of the tour to my growth and development. She helped me think that maybe my behaviour on tour was “authentic Paul”, the quiet, introverted leader, and the tour experiences and tour members did not allow for a shy, retiring leader. Maybe I did my best.

The Malaysian Experience

Getting to KL was the first step. My flight from Launceston to Sydney was uneventful. My partner had dropped me at the airport and I felt alone the moment she drove away. I immediately busied myself in the airport bookstore and purchased a leadership text. I sat in the departure lounge and read the first chapter, switching constantly between the book and my phone to see if my partner had left any text messages. She did. She knows me well. She knew I would be anxious. She was helpful.

Arrival in Sydney offered my first challenge to find my voice. At the domestic terminal I collected my luggage and immediately set off for the international departure gates… or so I thought. My only previous international trip was from Melbourne where all the terminals are co-located. Not so in Sydney. I have developed a trait of not asking for help but seeking to solve problems myself. Partly motivated by my desire to solve problems ( a worthy cognitive skill), the behaviour is likely linked to shyness and the desire to not ask questions to others through fear of social appraisal/judgement. They will think I’m dumb if I ask that question. Moving around the domestic terminal with my suitcase I was reading the signs directing me to International Terminal. Initially ignoring the clear message that one needs a bus, I start to walk in the general direction of the next terminal…. Only to find myself run out of pavement. I retrace my path. Follow the signs I originally ignored, purchase a $6 ticket, and catch the next shuttle bus from Domestic Terminal to the International Terminal…. About 4 minutes bus ride…. Sitting on the bus I consider what it might take to shift my routine behaviour of not asking questions on this trip… what would the tipping point be… health? Life or death situation? Shyness has an uncanny way of identifying priorities… I guess that is why people put ‘public speaking’ ahead of death on their list of least favourite things to do…

I don’t mind flying. I’ve never been sick on a plane… close once or twice from nausea but never up chucking…. …I do however get fatigued by the over stimulation that airports provide. There are signs and people and noises and advertising and movement wherever you look. There is rarely a quiet place to retreat. Once through customs and security in Sydney I set about exploring duty free. I noted my partner’s favourite chocolate, and kept a mental note of a purchase of a kick arse slab of white chocolate toberlerone upon my return. I briefly considered the impulse purchase of a new ipad tablet. While in the electronics section I purchased a memory stick that could connect to my iproducts. I needed to clear the memory on my iphone and ensure I had space for all the photos I was likely to take on tour. I purchased a 32GB stick and set about moving my photos while waiting to board… …first hurdle the app to run the stick was 100MB and neither my phone nor the airport wifi would support the download. I was now stuck with a memory stick and no way to use it… I pocketed it and set about killing time reading my management book. I struggled to concentrate because of all the stimulation… announcements, people, advertising, movement, colour, light… it would be 10 days later, while very fatigue that my partner purchased for me a place to rest in KL airport. Again my partner knew exactly what I would need… respite from stimulation. This modest room with a reclining chair, a private toilet and shower was basic in its amenity but it provided the single most important thing I needed at the time… solitude with silence. I had struggled to find it on tour and with a 15 hour wait at KL airport, the $140 for 9 hours of peace and quiet was worth every cent. I dozed, I read, I sat and thought, I showered, I rested, I recovered – at least enough to have the self control not to strangle the guy that sat next to me and snored like an elephant for the nine hour trip back to Australia. Ironic really because I swapped seats and accidentally landed next to Mr Noisey. On the return flight I boarded and took my allocated seat. I never quiet know wether to talk to the stranger beside me or ignore. I don’t do small talk particularly well, but I also don’t want to be perceived as rude. I often nod with vocals and then look busy with my book, earbuds, or phone. In this case the elderly gentleman beside me took the initiative and asked if I would like to change seats. He had my attention immediately. He was softly spoken and said that his wife was in a seat up further and he would like to sit next to her if possible. I smiled and said that was absolutely fine. Deep in my heart I know of no better feeling than being seated next to the person you love on a long trip. Sharing the experience, telling stories and simply holding hands works for me. I immediately stood up and the gentleman guided me to a seat with extra leg room. I thought I had won the lottery. His wife nodded and gently stroked my arm. I smiled and said that this was no problem. I sat down, and began my usual routine of avoiding eye contact with the person beside me. The man beside me immediately apologised, saying, “I am apologising in advance, I snore loudly”. That is all he said, and within minutes he drifted off and began his master piece of bronchial nasally trumpeting. I did consider putting the older lady back in her seat… but a quick glance back to see the happy couple talking and smiling, I accepted my lot in life (or at least this nine hours).

Meeting the first delegate

I flew Launceston to Sydney domestic, and Malaysia Airways to KL. On the international flight I spotted a tall guy in his thirties in a suit six rows ahead of me. I wondered if he was an ELDA delegate. He fitted the bill. I immediately set about questioning my choice of travel attire. I was in comfortable casual clothes. He was in a sophisticated business suit. Nine hours later, while waiting for our luggage at the baggage carousel I spotted his name take on his carry on bag sitting at his feet. This was Peter. I contemplated saying hello. But my inhibitions won. We collected our gear around the same time and proceeded toward exit. Delegates were instructed to look for ELDA delegate signs and Peter and I landed in the same place at the same time. We introduced ourselves and had a quick laugh about our own musings over who was a delegate or not on the flight. Peter worked in financial and IT and had an MBA. He was well travelled and had many stories to relay of his work internationally. I immediately felt inferior. I shared my role and my work, and described the importance of not for profit work. Each time I spoke I felt less confident in my work and role and its importance on a global scale. Peter spoke with confidence, he was a global citizen, apparently well connected and well educated. He reminded me he had an MBA. We stood waiting for other delegates. John describing in colourful stories his work and experience. I began to question my right to be there. This set the tone for the next two weeks. This was further exacerbated when a female delegate, Louise, also from IT joined us and indicated that she was responsible for 5000 staff indirectly. I had been recently demoted, I was on tour to find inspiration. One hour into Malaysia visit I felt like an imposter.

First supper

The welcome dinners at any conference should be an enjoyable occasion, but for me they are a source of considerable anxiety. For the most part everybody is in the same situation, and the idea of the event is to move people from not knowing anybody to building some connections. I don’t enjoy these events at the best of times (when I know some people). Too many people, too much stimulation, too much small talk required. I dressed formally as required and tried to be fashionably late. I stood in a corner with another similarly uncomfortable type and said hello. I tried to avoid drinking water in glasses where I was not sure of the source. Jen approached our small group and began to talk. She was comfortable talking and spoke in detailed stories. Perfect. I could hide in this spot and let Jen speak. In reality I should have found my voice. I should have tried to work the room. Mingle and chat, mingle and chat. Repeat. I need to get better at this, but my confidence is so low, and I often struggle to hear what people say with all the background noise of other happy conversationalists. I believe my state of permanent hyper-vigilance means that my ears are seeking to tune into threats, so I’m subconsciously listening to the conversation of those beside and behind me. If I’m not distracted by others, I’m distracted by self talk and the planning that goes into responding in an intelligent manner (recall shy people fear being judged). I need to work on confidence, on simple small talk, and be brave to mingle. Feeling like an imposter makes this near impossible. My instinct is to withdraw; to retreat. How many opportunities for networking have i missed because of the impact of social anxiety?

The dinner was equally challenging. The tables were set up with 2 tour groups per table. The India team was split across two adjacent tables. A really extroverted guy from another tour and his mate joined us. I was so glad that we didn’t have him in our group.  His constant domination of air time irritated me. This was the night that I first noticed John’s strength of character and confidence in his own skin. I sat and watched him network and talk in an extremely authentic manner. I sat next to Wen and spoke about his mushroom farming (we had sat on the bus together earlier in the day). There was entertaining (traditional dance) littered through the main courses, and this provided natural breaks from talking to Wen. His English was good, but I struggle to hear in these environments. Before dessert, Jen mention from across the table that I looked tired. She was very observant and very much right. Time zone difference, and only three hours sleep, I was tired. I excused myself from the dinner and went to bed (strategy suggested by my counsellor). Again, another opportunity to practice working the room and building the relationships that the rest of the tour was built on missed.. Being an outsider in the group was forged at that dinner. Just like missing the girls and boys night at UTAS in 1993 set me as an outsider for the full four years of my degree.

Of note that night was a guy who introduced himself to everyone on the table except me. I could have introduced myself but I immediately questioned myself. Had I indeed met him already on the bus from the airport last night…. the bus was dark and names and intros were flying in every direction. I couldn’t recall. Fear of being judged (making a mistake of not remembering) impeded a simple re-intro/clarification. As the evening proceeded this guy made reference to the bus stop at a Service Station on the way to hotel last night and he disparaged the people who got off to get water…. one of them was me. I had followed a small group of people from the bus who went to get bottled water before going to hotel. The guy had a point, we had been at airport for over an hour waiting for bus, but again my dislike to ask questions meant I did not get water nor a SIM card at airport. I stewed over his assessment of me. I felt small and this reinforced my desire to escape to my room. I need to find away to reframe these experiences as positive. I just don’t know how.

Someone just like me

Breakfast before Day 2 of the Conference was downstairs. I wandered down with John after running in to him on stairs. I grabbed some fruit and chose to sit with a guy who was sitting alone. John joined in. The guy was softly spoken and appeared shy like me. I had spotted him on the bus the day before, he sat in a single isle seat yesterday not interacting, but he listened in on conversations around him. John introduced himself and I copied. There was some reciprocation from “Ian”. John headed off to get more food and I recognised some introvert like traits. I asked open questions and shared appropriately. I felt confident to lead this process. Interestingly, I spoke with John later and described Ian as a shy/introvert. I was effectively describing myself. I walked with Ian to the bus and sat with him rather than my group to the venue. Ian spoke about his background, and I shared in kind. He asked me twice which tour I was doing and he apologised suggesting that jetlag was affecting his memory. I sat with Ian through first lectures and I attempted to connect content with my experience with him. I tried to look out for a peer, but inadvertently separated myself from the India team early. I may have been looking for support from an introverted peer, but my energy may have been better placed getting to know my study tour members. And getting What’s App, the social media sharing site that everyone in the team resolved to use, but I could not download because of some wifi/apple ID issues.

The Indian Experience

Last man standing… alone

The brutal travel schedule had us check out of our hotel at 2.30am to head to Mumbai Intenational airport to fly one hour to Agarabad. With Pritha running late (not in lobby till after 3.15) and a relaxed attitude to leaving on time the organisers ate into the group’s “contingency time” and we ultimately paid the price. Arriving at the airport (less than 5 mins away) at 4am, we struck issues trying to check our 20kg bags in with a sponsoring airline limit of 15kg. We each had to pay the excess bag limit at a separate counter and then head through security. As had become the pattern I was walking with a trio of females. Agitated by the late departure and pressure we were now under I sought solace from the conversation with Jen on the walk down toward security. A guard directed Jen to the female line, and me to go elsewhere. There were 9 long lines. I looked for the shortest, and looked for the others from the tour group. I watched Jen and some other females progress through and begin walking to the gate (45a). My line was not moving and I was now alone in India. Surrounded by people speaking other languages, not confident I could even pronounce the name of Agarabad, and stuck in a line when I was late to board was a source of considerable stress. In addition, I spotted a guy ejected from a line because he was carrying water. I solved the water bottle issue – sculling what was left. i could not however move the line, and a began to stand on tippy toes looking for my tour host and other tour members. None could be seen. I was rapidly thinking what i would do if I missed the flight – I had no communication, and only limited funds available. Incredibly slowly the line progressed through security. My bag was checked, but my belt buckle became an issue. I removed my belt and got the all clear. I hurried to grab my belonging and scamper to Gate 45a. With my pants sliding down, I hoofed it through the shops and took the elevator down while observing that the flight was on a “final call”” notice. I could not see any one from tour. I approach the line for boarding (another flight) and was rushed through and pointed to the tarmac. An official said “last bus”….I initially thought he was referring to the one that just pulled away. I was alone in India, heart rate racing, and concerned about my prospects if the plane has indeed gone without me.. The officials appeared to be disagreeing if there was another bus to take me to my plane. I tried to ask questions, but was not being understood. I pointed to my boarding pass, and tried to pronounce Agarabad. The officials just waved their hands at me. As I looked over my shoulder to seek the assistance of anyone else, 5 female members of the tour joined me in waiting. I was relieved. Meera (host) was on her phone and talking in an assertive manner. She was suggesting that 4 other tour members were still not through security check point. She strategised for us to proceed to bus slowly, but we were instructed to get on quick as plane was waiting. Meera pleaded with officials on the ground to wait for 4 more people. The refused and the final bus took off at speed. The reality set in for the team. Four people were not coming on this flight. The hour fifteen extra spent at hotel this morning had come home to bite. We boarded the plane and reality hit. I was the one guy among seven female tour members. I debriefed with Jen and spent that one hour flight controlling the flood of adrenaline. Before we took off Meera had set about organising additional flights for those that missed them.

“Paul you need to lead us out”

Panic at the dinner

It was explained by host (Meera) very casually that we would meet a group of local thinkers over dinner – at least that was how I interpreted it. In reality it was a formal dress event with considerable community attendance, elaborate set up (stage, couches) and media in attendance. I was told 5 minutes before it commenced that all tour members would be introduced and need to address the crowd and be available to answer questions too. I panicked and offered my apologies. I understand this was perceived as socially inappropriate, given I had been seen there initially. Members of the tour (Sashi) didn’t talk to me after that. The rest of the group minus Hayden represented the tour well, and made it into the local newspaper. Evidently they each spoke and then sat on couches facing audience and answered questions from the floor. I could have tried to push through my anxiety, however i had been seated away from Jen and could not seek her support. My flight response kicked in and i fled the scene. I would have appreciated an earlier and more detailed briefing on this and other scheduled events. This way I would have been able to “psych up”, seek support and complete the task. If i had not been travel fatigued and exhausted by the previous nights events, I might have had a go. I feel ashamed in some ways that I couldn’t complete the task. Interestingly, because of a  botched toilet stop at the solar farm earlier in the day, a dignitary invited the team back to her/his residence as a gesture of apology and I missed that experience and opportunity. With withdrawal comes exclusion. I retreated to my room feeling shame. I also went to bed hungry as there was no tea available to me.

My Experience

I simply couldn’t settle, I simply couldn’t find my voice nor where I fitted in. I failed to speak up, and explained this away initially as wanting to sit back and observe. I couldn’t quickly relate to others, was out of the loop (what’s up app) because i didn’t have SIM/data at outset. I became irritated by the lack of communication from organisers, and I was unable to direct activities to meet my goals.

The amount of time needing to be “up” (sociable) was immense. So limited down time to decompress. These events are not built to accommodate special needs. If I had a physical disability there would be understanding and reasonable adjustments. But in terms of shyness and introversion it was misunderstood and difficult to cope.

A brutal travel schedule meant there was also limited sleep and time to exercise…. all the things that help keep me in balance.

Poor oraganisation at times meant being overtime and late often and meals and toilet breaks were rarely considered.

URBAN

Dabbawalas – meal delivery lecture

A great lunch – so many people serving

Yoga

Dhobi Ghat – washer men

Museum

Indian Lunch – beggers

Approached by waiters to take photo. Wore turban.

Ghandi House

Purchased a book

Gateway Monument

Lots of tourist. I was interested in the margins. Across the road was the hotel where the siege occurred several years before. I wandered over to explore and stumbled across an armoured car and highly armed security forces. The armoured vehicle had a roof mounted machine gun. These guys meant business. Slightly obscured from the hotel, they were diagonally across the road and under some trees. Ready. Alert. I tried to take a quick photo, worried that I would be caught. Interestingly it wasn’t these preservers of the peace that got me, it was several minutes earlier as we approached the Gateway to India precinct that I struck trouble going through security. I was carrying the small stuffed toy: Fozzy Bear in my backpack, and at the bag search the over zealous guard took Fozzy and began to inquire. I thought at first this was an attempt at polite comic relief and Fozzy would return to the back pack from whence he came. But no. Fozzy was genuinely under suspicion of being an explosive device. The guard demanded to know what it was. I stated it was a kids toy, a muppet, its Fozzy bear. The language gap did not help, but his eyes narrowed and he began to pick at Fozzy’s undercarriage. What’s in it? The guard demanded. Umm, Im not sure, pellets, um, rice. The guard motioned to his colleague and they both inspected the toy. I pointed to the authenticity tag and repeated that it was toy. I may have repeat that its Fozzy bear the Muppet with my voice trailing off as I worked out that that was not adding value to this discussion. As the period of time for this bag inspection exceed what was normal, and a growing line of people behind me getting increasingly frustrated, I watched as the guard waved his head from side to side as if trying to weigh up the potential threat this toy posed to this historic site and visitors. Either that or he had a child at home that could do with a cute soft toy. I raised my eyebrows and smiled, “Fozzy”, “toy”… The guard capitulated, he tossed Foz back in the bag and moved me on without a further word being spoken. I rejoined the group who had noticed my delayed arrival. They asked if all was okay and what happpened. I mumbled I was okay and small misunderstanding. We scattered after this and Foz and I explored the area alone.

The group united after 15 minutes and then split in two. One group was off to explore the street vendors/market stalls, and the others… well they were off for coffee at Starbucks. I went with the street vendor group, but became frustrated almost immediately at having to wait for the others to shop. I purchased a XMAS bourbel and wise owl trinket for my partner. Made a “donation” to a street hawker that caught me with a flower bracelet and then spent the next 90 minutes fending off other street hawkers trying to sell me giant inflatable balloons that looked rather “dick like”. I considered briefly buying one either to attach to my resignation from work, or even write my resignation on fully inflated, deflate and then send to my boss. The cramped conditions, the constant selling/marketing, the heat and humidity, and the simple fact this was a tourist event not a leadership activity gave me the shits. I was also frustrated because we were already 2 hours behind, and the trip back to the hotel was still a 2 hour plus drive. After ‘too long’ we found our way to a Star Bucks, in the base of the Taj hotel. We required screening by security too get in. Foz was not even given a look this time. I ordered yogurt and water, and sat with the group but engaged little. I looked through the photos of the day. Listened to the conversation of others, and rested. Knowing there would no more toilet breaks on the long return journey I waited til we were about to leave to go to the toilet. This presented an interesting challenge as the toilet door lock was dodgy and I spent five minutes manipulating the lever to try and escape the toilet. In these five minutes I knocked loudly on the door to seek assistance to get out but too no avail. Once the latch finally clicked I exited to a world that had not noticed I was stuck or missing. People less than two metres away either could not hear me or didn’t give a shit. I returned to the tour group and sat quietly. No one know of my lavatory  adventure.

Five star Lalit – the view from my window

Tut Tut and local walk

John’s leadership of the team emerged early. He explored the interest of the group to go visit a local market in some downtime we had. I agreed and six of us took Tut Tut to a local market.

RURAL

School

Village

The party bus on the way back

Road/bridge maintenance had delayed our arrival in the morning and we fully expected to encounter the same on the way back. The bridge in question was reduced to one direction for 30 minutes at a time. It was time to get creative on the bus. Our Indian hosts spoke with the driver, and he turned the fluorescent lights on inside the bus and played some Indian music and our hosts started to dance in the isles. They were laughing and joking and having a great time. I observed from afar and genuinely delighted in watching others have fun. Our hosts were so happy and uninhibited. I was envious.

LATUR

Organic Farm – pursuing closed loop (circular economic principles).

CONCLUSION

Leaving early

This afforded me time to ‘decompress’ before returning to work on Thursday. With the exception of the final presentation and a briefing to HRH Princess Anne, I had completed the tour. All the scheduled cultural events I completed and I learned considerable amounts about myself along the way. Saying good bye to my study buddies was low key. I thanked John and Wen. The rest of the team had dispersed before I could say goodbye. Jen walked me to the immigration area and I thanked her for supporting me when I was struggling. We agreed to stay in touch.

How the EDLA experience has changed my thinking at a personal level:

I can now say I have travelled in Asia, and experienced small parts of Malaysia and India. It has been a cultural experience that has provided rich memories and much inspiration.

I have travelled with strangers who become peers/friends and know that I can do it. There is a long way to go with this, as it is not a strength of mine (yet). I take time to feel comfortable in group settings, and it takes time for me to trust others. My instincts are to sit back, be quiet, and act reserved. It comes off to some as shy, and others as arrogant. I am motivated to grow confidence in approaching people, engaging in small talk, and leaning into the delightful feeling of meeting someone new.

I am motivated to improve my diet. Against the backdrop of sleep deprivation, limited access to the gym, and extensive seated travel I actually felt physically well. I put this down to the complete absence of processed food. I did not feel bloated, my skin felt fresh and tight, I lost some weight, but also I felt good mentally too (most of the tour). The traditional/spicey food was delicious for the most part, and I intend to integrate this more into my diet. More variety of vegetables. Consider becoming vegetarian. Reduce processed food, and stop buying protein bars and lazy food.

I have been chasing my tail financially given the size of my mortgage for almost 5 years. In this time, the pursuit of paying off a large house as a single Dad has meant I haven’t had the financial resources to holiday with or without the kids. I may need to reassess the size/type of house I want/need. And explore travel as an educational/shared experience with kids.

I have long argued that my gym training is in support of healthy mind in a healthy body. Feedback from study buddies, the manager of the sugar cane factory, and others confirmed people observe me to be a fit and strong man. I, however, know that my mental health is a long way from healthy. My goal is to explore additional ways to connect mind and body… maybe Yoga, continued counselling, journalling, reading.

My social network is extremely limited. For the majority of my adult life I have focused almost exclusively on my partner and elected not to maintain friendships with male or female contacts. In recent months I have put more energy into nurturing male friendships, and the study tour has motivated me to continue to build my friendship base, and enjoy the benefits that come with a diversity of people to interact with outside of family and work.